Problem People

What is with all you dipshits bringing your dogs, your babies, and all your expensive, fragile bullshit out of the house with you everywhere you fucking go? Now, I’m not saying drop the fuckers off at a nanny or something. I am not for this divorce culture we’ve got going on in America. But maybe you should get your priorities straight, figure out your life situation—before you have a kid. There’s a suggestion. Whoa. Took me like three seconds to come with it. If that wasn’t explanatory enough for ya, imagine: you’re about to have sex with someone, right? Kay, now think: “Do I want to have a child right now?” If the answer’s yes, ask yourself, “Do I want to have this person’s child?” If the answer’s again yes, ask yourself one final question and really assess this one with all your might, “Can I have a kid right now?” If the answer to any of these questions was anything other than a non-hesitant absolute yes, don’t fuck them! Go home and masturbate. I just saved you a lifetime of misery. You’re welcome. Here’s another suggestion.

If you don’t want the bus boy at a restaurant to step on your dog’s tail, maybe leave the fucker at home. “Buh Mesh, I can’t leave my dog at home. He’ll tear up the house.” Well then maybe you should have gotten a pet with a little less demand for maintenance then, huh?! Like a lizard, or a goldfish. Or maybe, no pet at all. Imagine that. You. Living alone. Pet-less. You’d have more money in that universe. Whoa. Isn’t money like—important, bro? Also, don’t pets like—die relatively fast, bro? Don’t wanna get attached, then torn away–-naw what I’m saying.

Bottom line, if your baby gets shot in a movie theater, I’ll be questioning your audacity to bring a newborn into a place that demands quiet more so than the shooter’s motive(s). Your shitty decision making butterflies into a plethora of many other shitty decisions and I don’t think the solution necessarily is to make everyone else suffer with you. Yea, sorry. Nope. Ya see, you made a decision. And uh, yea. Fix it. Don’t just wear the problem on your wrist and go flaunting it around to everyone like it’s fucking cute. No one thinks your baby is cute but you, and all your friends, and trust me if it weren’t your baby, they’d probably all think it’s hideous as well.

Why do we welcome problem people into this society with such open arms? We should be shaming these people. They should be afraid to be such shitty, despicable, black holes of need, but they aren’t because alas—dis be a welfare state, mon! Everyone deserves a second chance, third chance, ten trillionth chance. Chances should be unlimited. No one should go hungry. There’s homeless people in this country for fuck sake. Aren’t you concerned? Doesn’t it threaten your ability to sleep at night knowing that somewhere out there at any given moment, people are exercising their freedoms badly and getting shitty results for it?! That’s an injustice. The right thing to do obviously is to intervene. I understand now. I’ve seen the light, guys. Ya see we can’t just let people do their own thing. Humans don’t know any better. Except the Leftists. They know everything, especially in regards to what’s moral. Oh yea, they’ve got the monopoly on that department. Don’t even try and touch that one, Glenn Beck honey.

No, but seriously. Totes no sarcasm. Cross my heart, dead serious. We should just let the government monitor us constantly in every facet of our lives like a health inspector with their goofy fucking clipboard and ball-washing, bureaucratic cocksucker dress-up. Because hey, the Nazi’s tried, Stalin tried it, Mao tried it, Guevara, Pol Pot, Omar Al Bashir, Mussolini, The Kim Dynasty. Ya know, they all tried it and their results make this whole thing seem like a real fucking no brainer to me. So, to hell with civil liberties. Who’s with me? Down with choice, up with equity. Hail Betty Friedan!