I’m Not Dead


Goddamit, if I was dead: you motherfuckers would know. Y’alls know I can make a scene. I just got a new MacBook Pro 15 and it’s a tad out of my ecosystem, and it’s gonna take some getting used to. I’ve been using Windows and Linux on the occasion, since I was a wee lad and here’s man punions on each and every one that I’ve used.

Windows 2000 – It’s very blocky and basic. It looks like a glorified calculator. I couldn’t imagine using it today; although I think I’d be in for one hell of a nostalgia trip. I was using it for about 4 years. I was about 8 or 9 when I stopped using it. My memories on it are quite fuzzy.

Windows XP – Oh, the times that we’ve had. What a fucking dinosaur it’s become now though. I remember when this was the top operating system. You wanted it. You were cool if you had it. Graphically, it’s a step up from 2000. Looks less like a calculator now, and more like a personal electronic slave–ready and eager to obey your every command.

Windows 7 – This is the point where graphically, they stopped giving a shit. Every version since has copied its looks. Boxes had curves instead of pointy corners. Minimization of windows became animated. Other than graphical increase, I saw nothing of value added by 7 personally; though I’m sure there’s tons. In my opinion, this is and probably always will be my favorite version of Windows.

Windows 8 – And this is the point where functionally, they stopped giving a shit. Oh, what’s that? You want a computer?! Pffft. Get an iPad, or a tablet or something, you fucking faggot. Because we made this gay as fuck user interface based entirely around them. Start button? Don’t be so crude. We can’t hold your hand for too long. Just find what you need on your own. Make a new folder on your desktop, use it to open up explorer, use explorer to navigate to your hard drive, dig through it to find your file, and then open it. Is that so much to ask?! Fuck Windows 8. Fuck anyone that likes Windows 8. It’s despicable.

Windows 8.1 – If they were trying to make it less insufferable, they failed. It sucks fucking cuck cock, made by cocky cock sucking cucks for cucks and fuck it.

Windows 10 – They gave it to me for free, for buying Windows 8 (and by that I mean, my parents buying me a brand new machine for Christmas >.>). It was that bad, huh? Just give it to people for free this time; it ain’t that different anyway. That’s so rich. At least they brought back the start button. In fact, they added a little white box at the bottom, where you can type in any file and find it immediately. That was genius, and so it pains me to tell you that I hate it for one reason: Cortana. I ain’t a fan of Siri either, but seriously Cortana blows, and because it’s enabled when you get it: I can see that they’re not marketing to me anymore. They’re marketing to an even lazier generation of pathetic douchebags than the one I grew up in. God help them.

Oh yea, and hurr durr–they can’t count seriously. Calling the XBOX One what it is was an absolute donkey dick sucking, brain fuck all decision. Why in the cunt would you do that? What if newbs come along; they’ve never heard of the real first one and they think, because of the name that it precedes the 360, you dumb asses?! Gotta appeal to the dumb fucks, you fucking dumb fucks. God. Fuck. It’s simple business, guys. Come on. You don’t have to call it “the 720”. But calling it the XBOX One is fucking ridiculous.

“Ooh, you don’t get it. You got your games, your TV, your moon rocket–all in one.” I don’t fucking care! It’s retarded. As was the 360, cause you guys had a gay meaning behind that too, right? We’re spinning this whole thing around! Woo. But at least it’s obvious to newcomers that this comes after the first XBOX–which I should and used to be able to call the XBOX One, but now can’t, because some marketing dip shits decided: fuck the path of least resistance.

If you think the updates have gotten more frequent as you’ve gotten older, you’re not alone. Ya see. I wasn’t exaggerating. They truly, functionally, don’t give a fuck anymore. As soon as it works, they package it, and they release it–or so it would seem as my imaginary lawyer would tell you. Because of this, there’s more bugs to fix now than ever, thus a constant need for updates. Except they’re hardly ever updates; they’re fucking repairs.

If you’re thinking of leaving a comment saying, “you know you can change that, right?”, fuck off and grow a brain cell. I shouldn’t have to change shit. Windows 7 had it right. The tablet user base however big it is should be opting in for their preferences; not the other way the fuck around. We built your fucking empire, Microsoft. Don’t piss us off.

OpenSUSE / RedHat / Ubuntu / KDE – It’s all the same shit. You should really only use this if you intend to use your computer to program and write code the entire time you’re on it, because it is fine tuned for that. It’s foreign to just about everything else though.

macOS High Sierra – My oh my, how I’ve been underestimating Apple’s computers. Can you blame me? I’ve been using their “phones” for years. Never the less, this is hands down–the best fucking operating system I’ve ever used and it would take decades to tell you every reason why. Let’s just leave it at: unless there’s a P at the end of it, I don’t ever wanna hear PC again.